Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The meaning of it all.

   It's funny... in the English language we have singular words that have multiple meanings. One word yet sometimes eight or nine things it may be referring to. You simply have to either memorize every single definition or be able to determine what the word means strictly from the context it in which it has been used. For some words this is fine. They are used so frequently and their separate definitions are so disparate that we have no problems discerning the meaning intended.  However, there are others where you pretty much find yourself saying, "What the fuck?" and then twisting your brain around the words you see until you can make some sort of sense of it all.

   I have found as of late that I feel some concepts need more words, or perhaps more directed words to let us know what we are talking about.  In truth, it is one word that I have found needs improving. Disappointment.

   It's a word that I have come to know fairly well over the past few days. However, each time I have felt this emotion it has had a very distinct purpose and direction to where it comes from. In each case I can simply say I felt disappointment, but I would love to have a more intentional word for each one.

   Let me give my three examples and perhaps, if people can enlighten me on a more appropriate word, there can be a lively discussion at the end of this blog followed by drinks and a light dessert.

   1.  Disappointment at oneself:  Here we are, three weeks away from opening of our show and I find myself still struggling with the words to these songs that we have been working with for months now. My brain knows the words but it refuses to cooperate with my mouth when it comes time to expel them from my body with my lungs pumping and my hands flailing all dramatic-like in the air. I should know these words. It should be easy to spout them forth, but I continue to fail at producing them. I am disappointed.

   2.  Disappointment at a system:  Years ago back when the earth was still cooling I purchased my house with my ex-wife. It was easy. Make bid. Put money down. Make payments. Done. Now it is so much harder and I find that the system I oncek new has changed. Prior to the impressive crash of the previously hyper-inflated housing market, the selling price of my home was nearly one hundred thousand higher than it's current rate. Also, how equity was determined in your home was figured differently. Since that time things have changed, as I learned yesterday morning. With the devaluation of my home in both potential sale price and in assessed taxable value, along with the change in equity determination (and after owning my home for more than 13 years) I now have a whopping three thousand dollars of equity in my home. Wow. Really? I am disappointed.

   3. Disappointment with another person:  Without going too much into detail out of kindness to said person, there is someone who very recently I took into my life and allowed to give themself a chance to reset and get their feet under them.  I became cheerleader and defender of this person so that they might feel that someone is truly on their side, for that is exactly what I was. However, despite this the person choose to forgo the help offered and ignore the promises made during the time they stayed here, putting Samantha and I in a position where we now have to scramble to make plans that were previously made work. I feel as if all my intentions and attentions were thrown aside as is they were merely paper in the wind. Easily blown away and of no consequence. Truly, I am disappointed.

   This word has honestly struck me, as it is a feeling with which I am normally not familiar. It is not that everything always works out perfectly in my little sunshiny world, but rather I can normally brush off things that I cannot affect. If I can have no direct effect on something, then I try not to worry about it.  However, in this case one thing is something that is truly in my control, one is something that I though I had in control, and one is something that I wish I could control. And because of all that I find myself disappointed about being in this situation.

   See? Now there's a fourth one. Disappointment about a situation. 

   So, all that I am asking for is a little more clarity. Can I truly feel the same feeling on all four types? What could I call each thing? Why can't our language make more sense? Why do I have to find myself so disappointed that I can't use a definitive word. Damn! There's a fifth one.

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